knowlogram | Office Hours

Oh, hey! Take a seat.

[There are, in fact, a couple very comfortable looking chairs opposite the desk Hubert is sitting at, should Michael choose to sit.]

Yeah! That's what you called it, right? Does the afterlife not have copyright laws covering that kind of thing or does it just not matter- or like a fair use thing, using the actual Good Place's likeness for purposes of parody and eternal torment?

[Hell, whatever, he'll sit. This is...actually a nice office? This is a lot like his office!]

I don't care what they think. Doubt they'll ever find out anyway.

[Angels are too prissy to come around visiting, and it's torture, so the Judge shouldn't care exactly how it's carried out...not the point.]

Yes, that's what I called it - you don't have to bring it up in front of the humans! It's not going to be any fun if they all know I'm a demon! [he's not whining!] I mean, you already made that whole profile.

[He had honestly assumed, at first, that they must have caught him mid-preparations and just taken his act at face value. But it's clear, now, that they know better. What other reason would they have to lie, except to help him conceal his true nature? Must make it more fun to watch.]

Did any of them catch on? I was trying to be subtle.

[He sounds kind of genuinely concerned.]

Though, point of order, I wasn't the one who wrote the profiles. Those were very handily generated automatically.

I don't think so. They're humans.

[They're dim, what do you expect? Still.]

Huh. Seems very vague, for that...lots of "mostly human" shit in there. [But he doesn't, uh, really care much about that.] So do you have any sort of projections for how long this might take? It does sound very fun, but I am going to want to get back to my thing eventually.

[The "return to the timeline from whence you left it" thing from before sounded completely logical to him, but that doesn't mean he won't experience the time away. The "Good Place" was gonna be fun, too!]

Don't mind killing some humans to get there, but it'd be a lot cooler to watch them do it to each other.

With this group? Probably a month or so. Give or take-

[He wiggles a hand uncertainly.]

A few years? Maybe a decade at the outside. This is about the journey and the data we get along the way.

Oh, that's not bad!

[He's old enough to have a pretty loose concern about decades.]

Well, okay. I'll just watch this play out for now - could be fun! I've never thought much about murder mysteries before, not a lot of reading time where I'm from.

We can't force you to participate! In the murder part, I mean. I mean, we COULD, but it would kind of defeat the point, vis a vis, seeing what kind of choices you'll all make.

Well, obviously.[He gets that - he's not forcing his humans to torture each other, either.] But it wouldn't be any fun for anyone if it just ended within a day!

[So why bother? He's got patience; he can wait. Killing someone himself and getting away with it sounds like it could be an intriguing game, but Michael's a little more interested in seeing what the humans do in that situation. He's always interested to see what humans do!]

Are you going to give them any weapons? I'd love to see someone just get punched to death, but humans are weird about that sort of thing.

Not personally? But who knows what's in that thing in the student store. I mean, I sure don't.

[He looks vaguely unsettled, actually.]

There's a lot people can get creative with, though.

Oh, sure. I bet I could get one of these bozos to eat a Tide pod.

[But he can figure out a way to kill a human with pretty much anything; it's just like torture but with an endpoint, after all. That's not special. What is interesting is the computer emoting.]

What is that thing? Some kind of gumball machine?

The official title is the Fantasy Gachapon Machine. It's- basically a big capsule machine, like you see in stores sometimes? But with hammerspace mixed in.

[He absolutely never sees anything in stores, ever, but he's familiar with hammerspace!]

So what comes out of it?

To my understanding? Basically anything. If anything from your home's gonna show up, it'll be from there.

Oh, huh.

[That's interesting! Not too relevant to him personally - he doesn't really have that many personal possessions, no demons do - but a fascinating concept!]

Well, that could be useful! [.....] Maybe a little less so, if you don't control it?

I don't, no. The, uh-

[Gentleman. Guy. Employee. Dude. Person.]

-BEING that does should show up sooner or later, but even he doesn't really control what comes out. The people that designed it were very big on true randomness.

Stupid thing to do.

[Why would you want a random factor in any of your plans?]

Do you know which of our things might be in there? I'm wondering where my Janet ended up now. [season one Michael: also has some bad Janet opinions!]

There's always an x-factor! In terms of randomness, not the comic book mutants team.

I've got a decent idea, yeah! I can't confirm or deny anything, but it's possible.

[siiiiigh]

Fine. I'd better try and get her out, if she is in there. Can't exactly leave here without her.

She'll be safe until you do, at least! The capsules have kind of a Pokéball stasis thing going on.

It's fine, you can just marbleize them. [...] Oh, that Pokemon thing that one human was yelling about?

Yeah! Handy little device, digitizes the critters in question for easy storage.

Oooh! That sounds great for human storage!

[michael no]

I don't think it works on people? But who knows, you could probably science it enough to make it work. Pokemon are kind of people in her world anyway, I think.

Glad none of the games have run with that, the edgelord fan theories are bad enough.

Oh, but humans being edgy is so funny! They're always like "ohhhh, I'm too big and tough to be tortured~", it's great!

Well sure, sometimes. But mostly it's just "ooh, the Rugrats are all dead and Spirited Away is about child prostitution, aren't I smart" and no, they're not, they're just masturbating to their own faux intellectualism.

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cw: sexual slavery reference?